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Summer sizzles for Man Crushes -- and there's nothing wrong with that
Peter Hartlaub Pop Culture
Friday, June 8, 2007
Justin Timberlake and I should be together.
Certainly not in a physical sense, or any other way that would jeopardize my marriage. This isn't about switching sides, experimentation or a fetish for guys who used to be in boy bands.
I just really want to hang out with him. Like, forever.
We're talking, of course, about a Man Crush -- the completely non-sexual feelings that develop when one heterosexual male finds another dude to be so cool that Guy No. 1 wants to spend as much time as possible with Guy No. 2. Aristotle had a Man Crush on Plato. Richie Cunningham had a Man Crush on the Fonz. And for the entire month of April and part of May, everyone in the Bay Area with a Y chromosome had a Man Crush on Golden State Warriors star Baron Davis.
The Man Crush has always been a delicate subject among straight men, with a very complicated rule set. It's considered OK to spontaneously proclaim your love for an NFL quarterback when he just scored a touchdown. It's not cool to point out that Bob from human resources always looks nice in that blue sweater. It's socially acceptable to have a poster of a shirtless and sweaty James Hetfield from Metallica on your wall, but never a half-naked or even fully clothed picture of Orlando Bloom.
But we're at a crucial point in Man Crush history, where a perfect storm of events could make it possible for even the most insecure guy to proclaim his undying like for his fellow man.
A new "Ocean's Eleven" sequel arrives in theaters this week, co-starring the holy MC trinity of George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon. Those three actors working together -- and that Don Cheadle ain't bad looking either -- have inspired more guy-on-guy crushes since members of the band Led Zeppelin were in their Misty Mountain Hopping prime.
"Ocean's Thirteen," the cinematic Man Crush event of the summer, will be followed by king metrosexual David Beckham's U.S. soccer debut in August, Timberlake's "FutureSex/LoveShow" HP Pavilion tour stop in September and then a potential San Francisco mayoral race repeat of Gavin Newsom versus Matt Gonzalez. It may be 72 degrees in the Sunset District without a cloud in the sky as you read this, but make no mistake: It's definitely raining men.
So why do so many guys fight it?
Every human being on the planet is born with the ability to figure out who he or she would find attractive if his or her sexual preference suddenly reversed polarity. Ask any straight woman what female celebrity she would want to date if she were a man: Chances are good she already has a list in her head, if not written down on a Post-it in her wallet. (Chances are even better that Eva Longoria is in the top three. Chicks dig Longoria.)
But ask a man to name a few guys whom he'd like to spend more time with, and depending on how close you are to a Red State, you might get a rude response. Unfortunately, we live in a time when a healthy Man Crush is still taboo, forcing millions of guys to insist that they're watching professional wrestling for the interesting storylines.
There's no Man Crush Hall of Fame or Man Crush Historical Museum, but there probably should be.
In fact, the Man Crush dates back to the Paleolithic era, where cave drawings show a prehistoric guy felling a wooly mammoth with a single spear, and then another caveman following him around for the next two weeks, offering to pull fleas out of his beard and help haul stuff down to the tar pit. Mark Antony became the second-most-powerful man in Rome based on his ability to elicit crushes from his troops (at least that's how it went in the HBO series), and U.S. President Thomas Jefferson (hot!) was elected mostly on the wealthy landowner Man Crush vote.
In recent years, Hollywood has created an entire genre of Man Crush cinema, even though no studio executive has the guts to call it by its name. From "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" and "Cool Hand Luke" to "Road House" and "Swingers," men have spent hundreds of millions of box-office dollars to spend two hours hanging out with Paul Newman, Patrick Swayze and Vince Vaughn. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has made a living profiting off the crushes he attracted in three different entertainment media: football, wrestling and action movies.
Even if you've been in denial for a decade or three, it's easy to determine your Man Crush. Here are five common categories to get you started:
Fictional Characters: Almost every guy you'll meet between the ages of 25 and 40 has experienced a Man Crush on a character played by Harrison Ford. Ninety-eight percent of the time it's Han Solo or Indiana Jones, although there's a smaller group -- kind of like the Green Party -- that will insist they have a Man Crush on his Richard Kimble character from "The Fugitive."
Sports Figures: After 49ers quarterback Steve Young made that 1988 touchdown against the Minnesota Vikings, where he broke something like 137 tackles before stumbling into the end zone, who among us didn't want to spend an entire weekend watching "Die Hard" movies and eating nachos with the guy?
Local Specimens: San Francisco's notoriously skewed eligible man-to-woman ratio may be a bummer if you're single and female, but it's great news for the regional Man Crush statistics. From San Francisco Symphony Music Director Michael Tilson Thomas to Giants pitcher Barry Zito, almost every public figure is dreamy. Bay Area politicians are also hotter than average, with Oakland Mayor Ron Dellums -- an elder Man Crush -- recently joining the ranks.
George Clooney: There's a reason why this one-time "The Facts of Life" co-star continues to make more than $10 million per picture, even though half of his movies are almost unwatchably bad: He's equally appealing to men and women -- and may be the only guy making more than $100,000 per year who still drinks Budweiser.
That Guy at Work Who Always Wears Nice Shirts: There's a guy in every workplace who is kind of intimidating because his shirts always fit really well, and he can pull off things like a yellow cashmere sweater with a dark blue blazer, jeans and light brown soft leather loafers. Get over yourself. You should definitely ask this guy to take you shopping.
Guys With Falsetto Voices Who Used to Date Britney Spears When She Was Still Hot: If you had told me five years ago that I would develop a Man Crush on Justin Timberlake, I would have spit out my Zima. But you have to admit, from the "Dick in a Box" video short on "Saturday Night Live" to the singer's unfailing ability to shack up with really attractive women, he's become pretty awesome. Maybe not Daniel Craig-in-"Casino Royale" hot, but appealing nonetheless. I buy all of his albums, give them to my wife as gifts, and then listen to them myself in private. And some day, I hope that JT and I can spend a weekend bass fishing and rebuilding a carburetor together, without the rest of the world feeling the need to judge.
Should you meet your crush, there's no need to do anything special, other than the normal stammering and awkward pauses that result when conversing with someone you really admire. (The "Saturday Night Live" Chris Farley interview of Paul McCartney is a good example.) If you're doing the job right, the recipient of your crush might be a little creeped out.
But rest assured that you're doing nothing wrong. If God didn't want us to have crushes on other men, why did he make Derek Jeter so freaking cool?
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/06/08/POP.TMP
This article appeared on page E - 1 of the San Francisco Chronicle
