June and PRIDE 2011

June 2011 is a peculiar month. It began with marking the 30th year of HIV/AIDS being in our midst and will end with Pride Festivals and Parade in NYC, SF, NOLA, Minneapolis, Chi town, SEA, OKC, Wichita, and Harlem. The convergence of both markers in my in American life is queer (pun intended). The 4th Sunday of June is most often attributed to the Stonewall Protest/Riot, when a group of drag queens along with other same sex loving people launched the present day gay movement in the US. Pride became a celebration of an uprising, to be no longer subject to police brutality, being treated as an outcast or social pariah.

I recall attending NYC Pride in ‘94 when many in the LGBT community marked 25 years post Stonewall, and coinciding with the anniversary was the Gay Games. What struck me, as the march snaked through Mid-town --the mass of participants appeared like a walking Gap Ad. Most wore the uniform of khaki shorts, faded T’s, baseball caps and not surprisingly made up mainly of mainstream/dominant culture homosexuals and their friends. Though I walked with the Filipino contingent, made up largely of New Yorkers and their visitors, a handful in Drag; the absence of transvestites, transsexuals, Drag Queens and “fringe” members of the broader gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community was noticeable. Most stark was the closing ceremony of the Games, held at Yankee Stadium, as attendees packed trains in the Subway ride to the Bronx, the irony of a ballpark filled with affluent white men did not escape me.

A few years later at Toronto Pride, I was less surprised and anticipated the majority of celebrants being members of the dominant culture/class. Canadians do not strike me as having a conflicted identity around privilege. Different in that encounter was how wide the range of self-expression that were being cultivated. Punks, walked with leather men, mixed with fairies, bears, and transvestites. Float contingents were gender mixed, as well as the pedestrian only areas off Church Street. I capped this trip with a 4th of July celebration with a friend’s family in Jamestown, NY. She and I ventured to Toronto, mainly not wanting to be in San Francisco for Pride festivities, and secondly visit with her parents for the American holiday.

Peculiar and mix are the sentiments I have about this month. Odd in having lived and worked in ground zero of the US side of the Global pandemic; yet still observing the integrative challenges of a movement largely defined by moneyed and powerful men; and perceiving race, class, gender, nationality, in an increasingly divided society will never cease to be the fly in the ointment. HIV and AIDS can be characterized as a disease of disparity.

Wondering aloud, if there is reason for Pride festivals? Do we celebrate our inordinate self-importance, achievements, and advantages when many others are denied their dignity? If however, we mark the 4th Sunday of this month as a community of people who value in ourselves and others self-respect and esteem, use it as building blocks towards a less divided nation, then I can see my mixed feelings as merely passing.

Tips for the First Date

For a lighter read on these gray days in the Bay Area, thought to add tips as subject matter. As many of you know, back in the dating world, roaming and ranging.

Imbedded will be more than one tip in this blurb. Tip(s) for first time (again) daters.

Groom to your hoped for standard. It's time. Have you noticed the secondary gender/sex characteristics making its appearance? Hair where none grew before! or more hair where none are needed (clue: ear hair, Einstein eyebrows, or free roaming beard hair). Shape via professional or trim judiciously (in the comfort of your home). Some of us refer to it as part of manscaping, I much prefer man-tainance.

It is said, a standard for not showing your age is the lack of wrinkles in your face, translated to liberal use of well blended sunscreen. But, have you considered the condition of your hands? For me, a tell-tale sign of aging and somewhat little regard for the importance of a hand shake as part of a first impression. A manicure maybe in order!

Glean your wardrobe, combine casual comfort and “in season” style. A positive impression can be made, by not looking like a much needed redux from an earlier non-vintage ensemble. In San Francisco, irony is expressed in many ways.

If you feel good, you look great. Do what is needed for you. Remember celebrities and the well-heeled have stylist and assistant’s, many of us do not --so plan ahead and put it together. It will be noticed.

Conundrum

Tis a puzzlement. A grown man, in middle age, who has a history of achievement respective to his career; having multiple love interest throughout his life; a few long term relationships which ended amicably with one maintained as a close friend, now finds himself stepping into the dating world.

First, naively, one doesn't conceive of being unattached again at this age. Second, to participate in the rituals of courtship, referenced and informed by an earlier time, feels arcane. Third, is there a point?

Naive by way of Mr. Wells oft paraphrase “we live alone and we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” Romantic love seems momentary in the larger scheme of one's life, and there are times when the desire for love is based on an illusion. To befriend someone, as lifelong commitment, may or may not materialize.

Dating in the information age, how do you connect? Online dating sites abound, each championing a formula for finding the "perfect" match, while others limit themselves as hook up venues. Social circles are now peopled by married, partnered, co-parenting, or defining loving and committed relationships and have few single friends to whom you can be introduced. Family takes a pass in keeping an eye out for you, since you are no longer in the market, so to speak. What options do you have for meeting others with whom one can find the illusive spark of possibility?

Is there a point? Can one truly be honest with one self to say, you fear the possibility of growing old alone. What does the fear embody?

Age old questions about selves as evolving creatures. One question or an experience can give rise to more questions, not out of uncertainty, mostly a drive to "know."

Midlle Age - A man's new venture

Middle-age for many suggests a settling into a life course. For some, it is their first experience with solitude possibly resulting from divorce or the end of a long romantic involvement dating back to High School or College days.

While others anticipate and navigate it with aplomb, throwing parties involving people from the decades lived, taking a sabbatical to delve into a question long held their fascination, or plumb inner selves.

Carved paths include: raising a family, coming to full stride in their small family business, climbing within the corporate hierarchy, or retreating to memories of what was their youth. Experiences and emotions run the gamut.

What if you skewed these well-worn paths? How do you measure your accomplishments? How do you speak of your worth? Recalling early ruminations on what will be my legacy (prose written and read on this very topic).

Trite sayings, marching to a different drummer; literary reference taking the road less traveled were mantras of earlier generations. It is a new chapter, moving towards s'aging with grace.

Context - being single

As the introductory post to the re-booted blog, the salient points of single hood for a middle aged, unattached, achieving and self-propelled among us maybe of interest to the reader.

The day to day of single-dom is unlike how it is conceived by many friends who are partnered, with children, or those responsible for their aging parents or other family members.

Primarily, they envision all the pluses: solitude, social and cultural life peopled by "interesting" habitué, dining and enjoying what the city offers, determined by a time going beyond the mere 24 hour day, and lack of tether. Bound only by how far you wish to exercise a sense of freedom.

The un-single perhaps may not grasp, flying solo also means: meals for one, which by all accounts implies plenty of reheated leftovers or cereal and oatmeal constituting sustenance. Or when waking in the dead of night, from a bad dream, in screaming out, and there is no one there to hear your cry or to shake you back to your senses. Then there are those times, when one is casting about your apartment (puttering) trying to figure out where something is, and no one yelling "you left it at that drawer by the sink." Such are some of the actualities for a single man.

The blog is not to recast notions of what single life is, simply to expand how it is dreamed of.

Mid May 2011

Months have passed since I last visited with my blog spot.

An eventful year so far: took on a full time work gig as Project Director of 2 five year prevention grants back in February; writing articles for peer reviewed journals from project data collected prior to September 2010; the end of a three year relationship; and accept the inevitable change likely to happen with my current housing which can mean another relocation.

Transitions seem constant, change manifesting itself, the principal plot in life's narrative.

The current iteration of my home, in place for the November apres Turkey dinner, is the most aesthetically suited to my current sensibility. The studio is open and also discreetly private. The artifacts, stories revolving around past friends, lovers, and folks who have an intimate sense of the evolving me.